The Onion: Lifetime for Men

Empowered Man Murders Controlling Wife In Lifetime For Men Original Movie

LOS ANGELES—The new made-for-television movie A Just Killing—the inspiring true story of a man who finds his own inner strength by murdering his needy, overbearing wife—premiered on Lifetime for Men this past Saturday, earning the network its highest ever ratings.

Critics called the just-for-men TV movie "inspirational" and "nice set of tits on the wife."

The highly anticipated movie event is another boon for the cable channel, which specializes in uplifting programming geared toward 30- to 60-year-old men. The film chronicles the painful ordeal of Gary Mulkeen, a fun-loving mechanic who meets a seemingly perfect woman, but must soon fight for his very life after she reveals herself to be a clingy, manipulative shrew.

"It's about one man's perseverance against impossible odds," said director Tom Dunlop....

The Onion: Final Week Of Heyday

Area Man Down To Final Week Of Heyday
The Onion, 3/14

"I really think Tracy and I might have a future together," Koning said of 27-year-old Tracy Krupman, whom he will soon marry on an emotional whim, and toward whom he will become incresingly embittered and even hateful over the next decade. "We have a real connection, and I think our best times are yet to come."

"And I'm really starting to settle into Chicago," continued Koning, who in three months will be forced to move to Tacoma, WA in order to care for Krupman's ailing father. "I can totally see myself becoming one of those 'Chicago guys' who lives here for the rest of his life. I love it out here."

While evidence suggests that Koning could conceivably prolong his life's pinnacle for another one or two years by leaving Krupman and following his dream of opening a trading cards and collectibles shop, the likelihood of this ever occurring is thought to be incredibly small.

Koning, who currently fills his weekends with volunteer work, regular exercise, and recreational travel, will reportedly soon be granted a minor promotion that will demand all of his free time without providing any additional satisfaction. He is then expected to begin a gradual slide into unfulfilling 60-hour work weeks highlighted by the occasional halfway decent nap.

The Onion: Husband-Wife Comedy Team

Husband, Wife Unaware They Are A Comedy Team

The Onion, 3/7

GLENDALE, AZ—With their hilarious put-downs of each other and classic back-and-forth bickering in front of neighbors, local married couple David and Sheila Holt are quietly becoming one of Glendale's favorite comedy teams, sources reported Monday.


Though David and Sheila remain unaware of their comedy duo status, friends and family members maintain that the couple's uproarious act, including their famous "It's all your fault—this whole stupid mess is your goddamn fault" routine, is more than enough reason to check them out.

The Onion: "Dimension-Jumping Guy"

I Don't Define Myself By My Ability To Travel Between Dimensions
(The Onion, 1/28)

I can see it in their eyes. They're thinking, "Hey, look. It's the dimension-jumping guy!" "Come on, dude who isn't bound by time or space—show us how you can project your physical form across the planes of existence!" It's true, when people look at me, all they see is the ghostly aura that remains here on earth while my body is shot clear across the cosmos to a parallel world.

But Dennis Myrie is so much more than a guy who can effortlessly slide between the many simultaneously occurring dimensions of the known universe. For instance, I also play the banjo.

The Onion: Mattress King Selects Wife

Mattress King Selects Wife From Small Wisconsin Village
(The Onion, 1/19)

OSHKOSH, WI—Joyous tidings were trumpeted throughout the hamlets of central Wisconsin this week after 43-year-old Mattress King James Koepke III, Lord and Master of a vast bed and box-spring empire, selected Beth Lowery, a buxom, flaxen-haired maiden from the small village of Waukau, to be his bride.

The Onion: Excuses

I Will Do Whatever It Takes To Restore Your Faith In My Excuses (The Onion, 1/14)

I stand before you a humbled man. I know I've made a real mess of things lately, but if you just give me one more chance to make it right, I promise to you that I will do absolutely everything in my power to restore your faith in my excuses.

Just hear me out, baby. I'll make you believe in my self-serving bullshit again.

The Onion: U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon

U.N. Acquires Nuclear Weapon (The Onion, 1/13)

NEW YORK—The United Nations, a highly organized governing body bent on world peace, has obtained a nuclear warhead and intends to use the dangerous device to pursue its radical human rights agenda, sources reported Monday.

Bush Says U.S. is Not Heading for Recession

Bush Says US Not Headed Into a Recession
(AP via ABC News, 2/29/08)

Okay, so this article isn't exactly new. It was published Feb. 29, less than a year ago. I was cleaning out my old queue of articles I haven't reviewed yet, and this turned up. (It must have seemed absurd even in February, which is probably why I saved it.)

Poor guy! How can one man be so wrong on so many things? (Answer: Through faith in God.)

Washington Post: Tom Toles Cartoons

Here's a great archive of political cartoons from Tom Toles of the Washington Post.

Tom Toles Cartoons

The Onion: I Have an iPod -- IN MY MIND!

I Have An iPod–In My Mind
(The Onion, 8/20/03)

I hear those little things carry up to a month's worth of music. Well, so does my mind. I can call up any song I've ever heard, any time I want. And I never have to load software or charge batteries. There are no firewire cords or docks to mess with. I just put my hands behind my head, lean back, and select a tune from the extensive music-library folder inside my brain.

Thirty gigabytes? So what? I know 7,500 songs, maybe more. Some songs, I forget I even have until they come around on shuffle. Why, just the other day, my mind started playing David Naughton's "Makin' It," a song I hadn't heard in years. And the sound quality was great!

Easy downloads? You don't know the meaning of the word "easy." And I don't have to know the meaning of the word "download." You may get MP3s off the Internet, you smug scenester, but I can get music off the television, the radio, even a passing ice-cream truck. If I don't want to waste the memory space on a high-fidelity copy, I just don't pay very close attention. Now, that's what I call convenience.

Photo Source

Onion: "Pain-Inducing Advil"

From The Onion (Nov. 21)...

People Who Just Want To Feel Something, Anything

PHILADELPHIA—Wyeth Pharmaceuticals unveiled a new pain-causing line of Advil this week that will help millions of benumbed, hollow consumers to feel at least somewhat alive for up to four hours.

Onion: "Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch"

From The Onion (Nov. 22)...

God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

RENO, NV—Despite her continued efforts to drive him out of his goddamn mind and turn his every waking hour into some kind of living nightmare, Craig Shearer, 32, admitted Monday that he still loves that crazy bitch.

Yeah, I can relate.